"Let me know what you need"

"Let me know what you need"

It sounds helpful.

It sounds like what you should say.

It sounds like giving love and support.

But it's not. 

I've actually found it to be a well intended, yet unhelpful phrase.

It's unhelpful because it puts the onus on the person in need. It makes the person in need have to do more, which doesn't feel helpful at all. 

And although I know it's not helpful, I've done it a million times! Even this week I said "let me know what you need" to a friend and then caught myself. I said it because I wanted to show support and love. However, I was burdening my friend to come up with an idea that's suppose to help her. Nonsense right?! I know! It's so easy to fall into that trap and say "let me know what you need" to someone. It becomes a habit.  

However, I want to encourage us to do something different. Instead of saying "let me know what you need". Just offer something; ANYTHING! Offering something rather than making me ask is such a blessing; a gift I do not take for granted. 

My daddy has stage 4 colon cancer and I'm his primary caregiver. It's a blessing to care and love for my daddy in this way. And yet it's hard. It's hard to see someone you love for deeply, in pain and sick. It's hard to balance my new responsibilities as his caregiver with my already busy life. It's hard to ask for help...because I'm stubborn (I'm confident I get my stubbornness from my daddy!). Over the past 4 months a lot of people have said "let me know what you need" and most times I haven't. Not because I don't need anything, I do. I need a lot of things. I haven't let them know because some days I only have enough mental capacity to do the necessities. It becomes burdensome to have to think of ways people can support and love me.

Yet, the times people have just done something have been etched in my heart and soul forever. The friends who called and said they were bringing dinner this week, pick a day that works best was such a relief. The friend who texts every other week when my dad has chemotherapy makes me feel thought of. The friends and family who send texts and cards to say they're thinking of me warms my heart. The family members who drives my dad to appointments when I can't get out of work helps me carry the load. The friend who took me to get a pedicure, the friends who treated me to a massage, and the friends who sent edible arrangements, what gracious gifts! The friends who sat with me and let me cry because cancer sucks! And the other small and large ways my friends and family have just done something have meant the world to me. 

The last 4 months have taught me that it doesn't take a lot to show you care. It doesn't take a lot of time, effort or money. It takes a willingness to just do it. To not just talk about it, but be about it. The most thoughtful things people have done for me only cost them some time and thought. And they are things I will always remember. 

Instead of saying "let me know what you need", just do something. I'm committing to do this. I hope you'll consider doing the same. 

For those looking for practical ways to help support friends and family in need, below are ideas I've thought of or got from friends going through hard times. I hope this lists provides a starting place for you to proactively help those in need around you. 

• Ask how they're REALLY doing and listen!
• Send a card in the mail
• Offer to take them to run errands
• Visit them
• Text, email or phone calls with NO expectation they call or respond back 
• Pick them up and take them out for a walk, coffee, meal, etc. 
• Give lots of hugs (only if they like them!) 
• Cook or buy dinner and drop it off
• Buy a gift card for meals or coffee