Authentic Friendships

I love “This I Believe” statements. I discovered them back in 2010 when “This I Believe II” was the summer reading book at Miami. I fell in love with the book and concept and have found ways to utilize it in my work and life ever since.

Friendships, real friendships are important to me. They fill my soul powerful ways. My “This I Believe” statement below is about authentic friendships. I hope it will inspire you to think more friendships and compel you to write your own “This I Believe Statement”.

I believe in authentic friendships. Not the kind where you only talk about the weather, complain about your job, or gossip about others because those have only left me empty and longing for more. Instead, I believe in friendships that fill your heart until it explodes, give you life, and provide a space where you are fully known and loved.

I am an extrovert to the core. Being around people gives me energy. I love it! I’m good at it. I am also a  WOO (winning others over). I meet people and can find an instant connection with them. At the end of our interaction, they feel like I’m their new best friend. This is both a blessing and a curse. I discovered that I have many people around me, but not a lot of people who really know me and are my real friends. I long for something much deeper.

So, how do you get past the surface? Where is the bridge between talking about the weather and digging deep into someone else’s life? I knew I could not maintain these surface level friendships with so many people. It was draining and unfulfilling. I knew I needed more and so I just took a leap. I decided I wanted my friendship to grow deeper and the only way for that to happen was to talk about things that were deep. So I did. I shared something that only a handful of people know about me.  I was afraid of what type of reaction I would get. Would this make things awkward or move our friendship forward? The latter was true and I was relieved! That one leap of faith and sharing who I really am instead of sharing how everyone thinks I should be was freeing and transformed our friendship. It connected us in ways that I could have only dreamed of. It opened up the door for us to share authentically. It began a journey that we both benefit from. After that interaction I felt known, cared for, loved, and safe in ways I had not before.

Taking that leap was one of the easiest and most difficult things I have ever done. It was anxiety filled and freeing. I felt exposed and safe. I was nervous and excited. And at the end of it, I felt known.

That moment solidified what friendships, authentic friendships are really about. It is about more than the masks we hide behind, the walls we put up, and the performances we put on. Instead, authentic friendships are about being fully known, fully loved, and fully free to be who you are. Authentic friendships require vulnerability, trust, and commitment. They take work and are risky, and I believe the rewards of an authentic friendship are worth it.

I'm so busy...but am I really?

 So you hear everyone talking about how busy they are. Myself included. Most of the time it is my default response to how I am doing. Sometimes I do not even think about it, those words just flow from my lips with such ease. But am I really busy?

Last semester I decided for a month to not say I was busy. If someone asked me how I was doing I had to actually think of a response. I could not just rattle off my natural  “I’m busy” answer that had become a shield of protection for me. Although I was still busy during that time period, I was also experiencing other things. I was happy, energized, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I had to learn that “busy” cannot become a default for the other emotions I am feeling.

With my #oneword being discipline this year, I'm starting to pay more attention to my schedule. No matter how “busy” I think I am I have to find a new discipline to still accomplish my many goals. As well, I'm reflecting on if I am truly busy. How am I really spending my time? Is it fulfilling? Life giving? Energizing? The more I reflect, the more I realize that at times I stay busy to cover up other things.

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks thanks to my new bestie Brene Brown. I’m reading her book Daring Greatly and it is forcing me to think about things in ways I had not done so previously. Brene states that one of the ways we ‘shield’ ourselves from vulnerability is through numbing. For some people this includes alcohol or drugs, for others it may be video games or television, and for me it is staying busy. I have become an expert at scheduling every minute of my life to ensure it includes ‘something’, preferably with people. I’m an extrovert and that is where I draw my energy. It seems I have to always have something going on. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I do because I have to or want to. However, I’m thinking about the times where that is not the case. In those moments, the Internet, specifically social media, has become the culprit for me.

I say I’m so busy but then I look at how much time I’m spending doing things that still leave me feeling empty. Am I the only one who does this? Facebook, Twitter and other social media outlets are not inherently bad. They are a great way to connect with people, learn new ideas, and share who you are. I just find that at times I use them to fill a void.

Sometimes I look at Twitter for five minutes and then two minutes later I look again and so on and so forth as if something has happened during that time period. If it is late Friday night, there probably are not many articles being tweeted or conversations to be had, but I still find myself checking. How about spending two hours on Facebook and wondering where the heck did that time go?  I leave feeling emptier than I did before I logged on. Have you ever felt that way?

For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not deal with issues I need time to reflect and process over. For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not spend time practicing my craft of writing. For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not call a friend and say I really need to talk about some stuff, do you have time? For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and avoid whatever problem is staring me in face.

But doing what is easy is not always best. So I have to fight, and I mean fight not to fall into this trap. It is so hard for me but I know it only leaves me empty and alone.  It is so difficult that I even failed in this regard this past Friday night. Instead of asking for what I needed from a friend or choosing to continue to reflect on my feelings, I sat at home, pulled out my iPhone and tried to numb my emotions.

I know I will fail at times and that is okay. I value vulnerability and authenticity and have to choose to live that out in my life even when it is hard. As well, I do not want the excuse of being busy to prevent me from experiencing all that life has to offer.

I have to remind myself that I am enough and because that is true I have to reach out when I need help. Numbing is only temporary. It will not solve anything, but instead only prolong the issue. So instead of hiding behind the shield of being busy, I’m going to embrace all moments in my life head on. So hold me accountable, ask me about it. I know I cannot do this alone.

So are you really busy? Or are you staying busy to avoid some of your own stuff?

2014: A New Year, A New Start

There is an excitement that comes with a new year. It feels like an opportunity to have a fresh start. I know there is nothing magical about the date January 1st, however, when there is a chance for people to collectively come together and share their hopes, dreams and goals for the new year I'm all for it! 

I know the beginnings of most things are really exciting. You're motivated and determined to make a positive change. However, somewhere along the road you fall off. Or maybe that's just me? I know in the past I've had a long list of resolutions that I eventually forgot about or didn't care enough to stick with. I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to not just talk about changes, but be about those changes. I remember having a conversation with my fiancé about wanting to lose weight and he kept telling me that if I wanted to do it I would have to make the commitment to go to the gym and change my eating habits. It sounds so simple, but he was right. Only talking about something will not bring results. I kept doing the same things over and over but expected a different results. I knew something had to change.

I enjoy social media and saw that a lot of my student affairs colleagues participating in #oneword. You can read more about it here. This inspired me to forgo traditional new years resolutions and goals for #oneword. The word I chose is discipline. As I reflected on what I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year and what I was currently lacking, it was discipline. I want discipline to saturate every area of my life. I have also come up with a few specific goals to go along with this:

·        Write at least once a month (Blog & Poetry)

·        Go to the gym at least 3 days a week

·        Pray daily

·        Stop self hate talk and if I do immediately call it out and change my thoughts & words

·        Be more kind- Find ways to do a random act of kindness at least once a week

I chose these specific goals to go along with discipline because I believe it will give me some direction. As well, these are all areas I’ve previously struggled in and having specific goals around them will help me improve.

As much as I want to keep my #oneword at the forefront of what I do, I know there will be times when that doesn’t happen. There will be days when I fail in regards to discipline and I’ve decided that is okay. I have to remember that even when I fall down that I am enough and capable of getting back up. Even when it gets hard and I feel alone in my efforts, I have to remind myself that I am enough and reach out for help. 

I know it won't be easy, but I'm committed to doing this for me. I hope those reading this can be an encouragement to me and hold me accountable to my commitment as I hope to encourage and help others along the way.

So what are your goals for 2014? Do you have a #oneword? How can I support you?