I'm so busy...but am I really?

 So you hear everyone talking about how busy they are. Myself included. Most of the time it is my default response to how I am doing. Sometimes I do not even think about it, those words just flow from my lips with such ease. But am I really busy?

Last semester I decided for a month to not say I was busy. If someone asked me how I was doing I had to actually think of a response. I could not just rattle off my natural  “I’m busy” answer that had become a shield of protection for me. Although I was still busy during that time period, I was also experiencing other things. I was happy, energized, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I had to learn that “busy” cannot become a default for the other emotions I am feeling.

With my #oneword being discipline this year, I'm starting to pay more attention to my schedule. No matter how “busy” I think I am I have to find a new discipline to still accomplish my many goals. As well, I'm reflecting on if I am truly busy. How am I really spending my time? Is it fulfilling? Life giving? Energizing? The more I reflect, the more I realize that at times I stay busy to cover up other things.

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks thanks to my new bestie Brene Brown. I’m reading her book Daring Greatly and it is forcing me to think about things in ways I had not done so previously. Brene states that one of the ways we ‘shield’ ourselves from vulnerability is through numbing. For some people this includes alcohol or drugs, for others it may be video games or television, and for me it is staying busy. I have become an expert at scheduling every minute of my life to ensure it includes ‘something’, preferably with people. I’m an extrovert and that is where I draw my energy. It seems I have to always have something going on. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I do because I have to or want to. However, I’m thinking about the times where that is not the case. In those moments, the Internet, specifically social media, has become the culprit for me.

I say I’m so busy but then I look at how much time I’m spending doing things that still leave me feeling empty. Am I the only one who does this? Facebook, Twitter and other social media outlets are not inherently bad. They are a great way to connect with people, learn new ideas, and share who you are. I just find that at times I use them to fill a void.

Sometimes I look at Twitter for five minutes and then two minutes later I look again and so on and so forth as if something has happened during that time period. If it is late Friday night, there probably are not many articles being tweeted or conversations to be had, but I still find myself checking. How about spending two hours on Facebook and wondering where the heck did that time go?  I leave feeling emptier than I did before I logged on. Have you ever felt that way?

For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not deal with issues I need time to reflect and process over. For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not spend time practicing my craft of writing. For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not call a friend and say I really need to talk about some stuff, do you have time? For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and avoid whatever problem is staring me in face.

But doing what is easy is not always best. So I have to fight, and I mean fight not to fall into this trap. It is so hard for me but I know it only leaves me empty and alone.  It is so difficult that I even failed in this regard this past Friday night. Instead of asking for what I needed from a friend or choosing to continue to reflect on my feelings, I sat at home, pulled out my iPhone and tried to numb my emotions.

I know I will fail at times and that is okay. I value vulnerability and authenticity and have to choose to live that out in my life even when it is hard. As well, I do not want the excuse of being busy to prevent me from experiencing all that life has to offer.

I have to remind myself that I am enough and because that is true I have to reach out when I need help. Numbing is only temporary. It will not solve anything, but instead only prolong the issue. So instead of hiding behind the shield of being busy, I’m going to embrace all moments in my life head on. So hold me accountable, ask me about it. I know I cannot do this alone.

So are you really busy? Or are you staying busy to avoid some of your own stuff?