Blackness vs. Educator

I was asked to write a blog post for a Student Affairs Blog about the #Ferguson decision. It's interesting that I wrote it Monday and it was posted shortly after the decision not to indict the officer that killed Eric Garner. I have a lot of emotions & I hope this post will shed some light into some of what I've felt and still do.

Here is my blog post: The struggle between my Blackness and being an Educator.

Freedom

Freedom Summer conference, Protest against police brutality & protest against George Will & his offensive & obnoxious comments regarding women and rape. 3 different moments connected by one common denominator, the freedom I felt and experienced. 

Being at the Freedom Summer conference was invigorating! To reflect on the lives and experiences of those who came to Oxford, Ohio in the summer of 1964 to train to register voters and hear about how we've moved forward since then was inspiring. The theme of the conference was "Celebrating Freedom: Understanding the Past, Building the Future" and I couldn't help but wonder who freedom we were celebrating? Being in spaces with people who cared about the same things I did was freeing. I felt free, even if it was only temporary.

I participated in my first protest and march last Wednesday. Black Women Empowered (BWE) organized a protest for the National Day of Protest Against Police Brutality, Repression, and the Criminalization of a generation.  They encouraged those who wanted to participate to wear black all day and then walk out of wherever you were at 12pm noon to gather and march together. I was encouraged to see students, faculty and other staff members come together to stand together.  We went around campus, chanting, and being in solidarity with others for something that matters and impacts me personally was amazing. I felt powerful and free! 

Just because we have the right to free speech doesn't mean what we say is always good. That's how I feel about George Will speaking at Miami. That is why I was one of over 1000 students, faculty and staff who signed an open letter opposing the university's decision to have him speak on campus. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/21/miami-university-george-will_n_6017292.html Standing alongside other staff, faulty and students to protest his speech was powerful. A small group of people can make a difference and we did. Although his speech still happened, there was a clear message that not everyone in the Miami community agreed with it. I left the protest feeling hopeful.

Who is really free? I have pondered this question for a long time and have concluded that we don't all have the same freedom. We're suppose to live in the land of the free & home of the brave. But who is free? Who gets the privilege of calling this place home?

As a black woman I find that I don't have the same freedom as those around me. The freedom to live a life where every action of mine isn't scrutinized or perpetuates some negative stereotype about black people or women. The freedom to live a life by my own terms in my own way. True Freedom. 

• True Freedom looks like being passionate about an issue, voicing that opinion and not being seen as the angry black woman.
• True Freedom looks like walking to my car after my 8:40pm class and not being afraid and looking over my shoulder to see if I'm being followed.
• True Freedom looks like my voice being taken seriously in front of any audience.
• True Freedom means having a seat at the table because my voice matters not to fill a quota or give the illusion of diversity.
• True Freedom looks like wearing my natural hair out in a fro without receiving funny looks or comments about it not being professional. 

True Freedom. Who really has it? Are you willing to fight so that all do? I know I am. Who will join me?

You don't know my story

You don’t know my story. The aches and pains to gradual gains I’ve experienced. The ones that leave my heart and mind imprinted with memories I sometimes wish could be erased.  The thoughts that plague my body consciously or unconsciously 24 hours a day. The ones that won’t go away.

You don’t know my story. The 29 years that would take far too long to even begin to scratch the surface of what lies beneath the smile I wear, even when life seems unfair, I wear it. The images of a childhood that learned too early the reality of racism, whose innocence was taken without permission.

You don’t know my story. I’ll never look at a white pickup truck the same way. Walking down the street in broad daylight and feeling safe is something I don’t have the privilege of doing anymore, because it was robbed from me.

You don’t know my story. The stares that I always notice. The exhaustion felt from feeling the need to be better and do better while defending my place at the table. The desire to divide, and continue to hide, from one another is throbbing on a heart that hopes for more.

You don’t know my story, because if you did, I have to believe that you wouldn’t call me hypersensitive. You wouldn’t make me feel that my feelings are not valid. If you knew my story, you wouldn’t blame me. If you knew my story, you wouldn’t attempt to silence my voice and remind me of the MANY times this has happened in my lifetime by virtue of who I am as a black woman. You don’t know my story. You have no idea who I am.

So please, before you go victim blaming or accusing me of overreacting, take a moment to hear my story. Because my story influences how I show up in life. It dictates how I am triggered, what makes me smile, and how I make decisions. Stories are powerful. I’m proud of my story and who I am, and I know my story is more complex than 140 characters, a text message or email. If you don’t want to hear my story, that’s fine, I just hope you’ll consider taking the time to hear someone else’s. Because until we take the time to hear each other’s stories, we will continue to hurt each other in deep ways, and create wounds we are not ready to heal.

So, what is your story? I know I’m ready to listen. Who is willing to share?

What is the Lesson?

Have you ever felt like things were not going your way? That everything around you seemed to be going downhill? Does the season of sadness sometimes rain on you like April showers? Does the pressure of all your commitments make you numb to complete any of them? Do these things cause you to retreat and hide?

Wow what a month April was for me! It caused me to think about those questions and as I reflect on what the month has taught me, I recognize that my eyes have been opened in ways that they had not before. I believe there is always a lesson in life and below are the lessons April have taught me.

People are selfish, myself included. I do not say that to be mean or point any fingers, but to be honest. I believe we are all selfish beings and it takes work to deny our selfishness. It is possible to do so, but one has to make a conscience decision for that to happen. I have learned that it is easy to be selfish in our society. Everything is about MY wants, MY desires, and MY needs. We are continually taught through media and society that what we want is more important than anything else is, regardless if it hurts other people in the process.  To help combat my selfishness, I like to meditate on this verse, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4. When I think of others first and put their needs above my own, I feel better about myself and most importantly, I am being better to those around me. The month of April has taught me that even in the midst of my valleys; I have something to give to those around me. I am challenged to live a life that is more selfless and I hope those around me will do the same.

Sometimes you have to look the part. I have learned that looking the part helps me to play the part even when I do not feel like it. Some days just showing up to work was a production.  Everything inside of me wanted to stay in bed and wallow in my pity. Instead of staying in bed on those days, I would pick out an outfit that was a favorite of mine, fix my hair nicely, and add a cute accessory (usually a headband). When I look good, I feel good. It is impossible to always feel great and that is not the point. I have learned that just because you do not feel like doing something does not mean you should not do it. Sometimes you have to do it and hope the feelings will follow. When I look the part, I begin to feel like I can perform the part and give to others in a real way.

There is strength in weakness. Now I am sure this sounds a little crazy. It is even crazy as I type it. However, I really do believe this. I know we have been socialized that weaknesses are bad and that we should definitely not talk about them! The month of April reminded me that we ALL have weaknesses and there is strength in them and strength in sharing them. One of my favorite verses is,

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.- 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

I am reminded that my weaknesses are not something to hide or be ashamed of but to instead be proud of them. My Christian faith tells me that Jesus’ power will rest on me when I am weak. As well, when I was weak in front of friends and family during April, they were able to hold me up and carry me when I could not carry myself. There is strength in sharing our weakness, and I plan to do that more often.

April’s weather in Ohio was rainy and stormy this year. The rain and storms showered my life as well, but I did not let that define me. Instead, I reflected on the lessons the month taught me and how it could encourage others. I hope those reading this realizes that April showers do not last forever and that “…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”- Psalm 30:5.

Just Do It

Just Do It. Everyone has seen this iconic logo. Those three powerful words are sometimes easier said than done. I was reminded of this logo when I looked at my blog site and realized I had not posted since the end of January. I think about writing a blog post often and even have a list of topics I want to write about, but taking the leap and writing has been a struggle.

Just Do It, but I couldn’t. Fear and perfectionism kept me paralyzed. I would start writing something but would get frustrated with my inability to articulate myself in a clear way. So instead of pushing through, I put the pen down and loathed in self-pity. I have spent too much time in my head about it. Are my topics fresh enough? Do I have enough to share? Why would people read this? These fears stopped me from pursuing my love of writing.

Just Do It, but I couldn’t.  The insecurities became louder than the hope and confidence that was in the bottom of my soul. How do you dig yourself out of a hole of quicksand when the harder you fight the deeper you fall? When the hand you thought would pull you out only forces you deeper into the ditch, what are you left to do?

Just Do It, but I couldn’t. I kept fighting. I kept struggling. I knew what I needed to do but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Have you ever felt that way? You knew what decision you needed to make but wouldn’t make it? Have you wanted to try something new but kept convincing yourself that you would fail? Or you wanted to apply for a job but didn’t because you figured you were unqualified for it? How about wanting to connect with someone but not doing so because you were afraid of rejection?

Just Do It, and I did and so can you. I realized that I could do it. I could write a blog post and this time I would write it with no expectations. Writing and posting it is a win for me. I chose to let go of fears, insecurities, doubts, expectations, and opinions and instead grab a hold of courage. The courage that allows me to jump back onto the writing horse and take it one day at a time. The courage that pushes me to just do it even when I don’t feel like doing it. The courage that is inside of all of us.

So, when you find yourself overwhelmed with fear to take a risk, doubting your abilities, or questioning a decision, be reminded of this phrase

                                                                                              

Authentic Friendships

I love “This I Believe” statements. I discovered them back in 2010 when “This I Believe II” was the summer reading book at Miami. I fell in love with the book and concept and have found ways to utilize it in my work and life ever since.

Friendships, real friendships are important to me. They fill my soul powerful ways. My “This I Believe” statement below is about authentic friendships. I hope it will inspire you to think more friendships and compel you to write your own “This I Believe Statement”.

I believe in authentic friendships. Not the kind where you only talk about the weather, complain about your job, or gossip about others because those have only left me empty and longing for more. Instead, I believe in friendships that fill your heart until it explodes, give you life, and provide a space where you are fully known and loved.

I am an extrovert to the core. Being around people gives me energy. I love it! I’m good at it. I am also a  WOO (winning others over). I meet people and can find an instant connection with them. At the end of our interaction, they feel like I’m their new best friend. This is both a blessing and a curse. I discovered that I have many people around me, but not a lot of people who really know me and are my real friends. I long for something much deeper.

So, how do you get past the surface? Where is the bridge between talking about the weather and digging deep into someone else’s life? I knew I could not maintain these surface level friendships with so many people. It was draining and unfulfilling. I knew I needed more and so I just took a leap. I decided I wanted my friendship to grow deeper and the only way for that to happen was to talk about things that were deep. So I did. I shared something that only a handful of people know about me.  I was afraid of what type of reaction I would get. Would this make things awkward or move our friendship forward? The latter was true and I was relieved! That one leap of faith and sharing who I really am instead of sharing how everyone thinks I should be was freeing and transformed our friendship. It connected us in ways that I could have only dreamed of. It opened up the door for us to share authentically. It began a journey that we both benefit from. After that interaction I felt known, cared for, loved, and safe in ways I had not before.

Taking that leap was one of the easiest and most difficult things I have ever done. It was anxiety filled and freeing. I felt exposed and safe. I was nervous and excited. And at the end of it, I felt known.

That moment solidified what friendships, authentic friendships are really about. It is about more than the masks we hide behind, the walls we put up, and the performances we put on. Instead, authentic friendships are about being fully known, fully loved, and fully free to be who you are. Authentic friendships require vulnerability, trust, and commitment. They take work and are risky, and I believe the rewards of an authentic friendship are worth it.

I'm so busy...but am I really?

 So you hear everyone talking about how busy they are. Myself included. Most of the time it is my default response to how I am doing. Sometimes I do not even think about it, those words just flow from my lips with such ease. But am I really busy?

Last semester I decided for a month to not say I was busy. If someone asked me how I was doing I had to actually think of a response. I could not just rattle off my natural  “I’m busy” answer that had become a shield of protection for me. Although I was still busy during that time period, I was also experiencing other things. I was happy, energized, stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I had to learn that “busy” cannot become a default for the other emotions I am feeling.

With my #oneword being discipline this year, I'm starting to pay more attention to my schedule. No matter how “busy” I think I am I have to find a new discipline to still accomplish my many goals. As well, I'm reflecting on if I am truly busy. How am I really spending my time? Is it fulfilling? Life giving? Energizing? The more I reflect, the more I realize that at times I stay busy to cover up other things.

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks thanks to my new bestie Brene Brown. I’m reading her book Daring Greatly and it is forcing me to think about things in ways I had not done so previously. Brene states that one of the ways we ‘shield’ ourselves from vulnerability is through numbing. For some people this includes alcohol or drugs, for others it may be video games or television, and for me it is staying busy. I have become an expert at scheduling every minute of my life to ensure it includes ‘something’, preferably with people. I’m an extrovert and that is where I draw my energy. It seems I have to always have something going on. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things I do because I have to or want to. However, I’m thinking about the times where that is not the case. In those moments, the Internet, specifically social media, has become the culprit for me.

I say I’m so busy but then I look at how much time I’m spending doing things that still leave me feeling empty. Am I the only one who does this? Facebook, Twitter and other social media outlets are not inherently bad. They are a great way to connect with people, learn new ideas, and share who you are. I just find that at times I use them to fill a void.

Sometimes I look at Twitter for five minutes and then two minutes later I look again and so on and so forth as if something has happened during that time period. If it is late Friday night, there probably are not many articles being tweeted or conversations to be had, but I still find myself checking. How about spending two hours on Facebook and wondering where the heck did that time go?  I leave feeling emptier than I did before I logged on. Have you ever felt that way?

For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not deal with issues I need time to reflect and process over. For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not spend time practicing my craft of writing. For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and not call a friend and say I really need to talk about some stuff, do you have time? For me, it is easy to escape to my iPhone and avoid whatever problem is staring me in face.

But doing what is easy is not always best. So I have to fight, and I mean fight not to fall into this trap. It is so hard for me but I know it only leaves me empty and alone.  It is so difficult that I even failed in this regard this past Friday night. Instead of asking for what I needed from a friend or choosing to continue to reflect on my feelings, I sat at home, pulled out my iPhone and tried to numb my emotions.

I know I will fail at times and that is okay. I value vulnerability and authenticity and have to choose to live that out in my life even when it is hard. As well, I do not want the excuse of being busy to prevent me from experiencing all that life has to offer.

I have to remind myself that I am enough and because that is true I have to reach out when I need help. Numbing is only temporary. It will not solve anything, but instead only prolong the issue. So instead of hiding behind the shield of being busy, I’m going to embrace all moments in my life head on. So hold me accountable, ask me about it. I know I cannot do this alone.

So are you really busy? Or are you staying busy to avoid some of your own stuff?

2014: A New Year, A New Start

There is an excitement that comes with a new year. It feels like an opportunity to have a fresh start. I know there is nothing magical about the date January 1st, however, when there is a chance for people to collectively come together and share their hopes, dreams and goals for the new year I'm all for it! 

I know the beginnings of most things are really exciting. You're motivated and determined to make a positive change. However, somewhere along the road you fall off. Or maybe that's just me? I know in the past I've had a long list of resolutions that I eventually forgot about or didn't care enough to stick with. I wanted this year to be different. I wanted to not just talk about changes, but be about those changes. I remember having a conversation with my fiancé about wanting to lose weight and he kept telling me that if I wanted to do it I would have to make the commitment to go to the gym and change my eating habits. It sounds so simple, but he was right. Only talking about something will not bring results. I kept doing the same things over and over but expected a different results. I knew something had to change.

I enjoy social media and saw that a lot of my student affairs colleagues participating in #oneword. You can read more about it here. This inspired me to forgo traditional new years resolutions and goals for #oneword. The word I chose is discipline. As I reflected on what I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming year and what I was currently lacking, it was discipline. I want discipline to saturate every area of my life. I have also come up with a few specific goals to go along with this:

·        Write at least once a month (Blog & Poetry)

·        Go to the gym at least 3 days a week

·        Pray daily

·        Stop self hate talk and if I do immediately call it out and change my thoughts & words

·        Be more kind- Find ways to do a random act of kindness at least once a week

I chose these specific goals to go along with discipline because I believe it will give me some direction. As well, these are all areas I’ve previously struggled in and having specific goals around them will help me improve.

As much as I want to keep my #oneword at the forefront of what I do, I know there will be times when that doesn’t happen. There will be days when I fail in regards to discipline and I’ve decided that is okay. I have to remember that even when I fall down that I am enough and capable of getting back up. Even when it gets hard and I feel alone in my efforts, I have to remind myself that I am enough and reach out for help. 

I know it won't be easy, but I'm committed to doing this for me. I hope those reading this can be an encouragement to me and hold me accountable to my commitment as I hope to encourage and help others along the way.

So what are your goals for 2014? Do you have a #oneword? How can I support you?