We all hurt

I leave #ACPA15 with a mix of emotions. I'm inspired by the #ACPANextGen students who want to begin their journey into student affairs. I am moved by the words of my colleagues who are using their voices in powerful ways. I am refreshed by deep conversations I had with real friends.

I also leave feeling hurt. I’m hurt because to me, there feels like a pressure to choose. To choose whose lives matter more. I’m hurt because I thought our field was past the point of creating a hierarchy of oppression. I’m hurt because I didn't realize we could only choose one group of people to care about and advocate for. I am hurt because my blackness has been on trial since as long as I can remember. I am hurt because my blackness seems to still be on trial with people who are supposed to care. I am hurt.

I am hurt because being happy that a black man, Stephen, had the opportunity to be one of the people to close convention somehow means I don’t care about trans* identified and gender non-confirming individuals, which is not true. I care about the trans* identified and gender non-confirming individuals of ACPA and was moved by their open letter to ACPA leadership. Before reading it, I was naively unaware of their feelings and concerns. That is my mishap for not knowing and I will do better. That letter opened my eyes and I see you. Thank you for the courage to speak up. When one hurts, we all hurt.

I hurt because there is a part of me who feels guilty for being relieved that finally a black man would get on stage and defy negative stereotypes that have plagued black men forever. Finally black men would not be seen as scary, uneducated and unworthy, but as inspiring, passionate and knowledgeable. My dear friend Stephen did that and so much more. He stood for more than himself. He stood for so many whose voices are silenced. He stood for so many who will never get the chance to do so. Stephen did and said what no celebrity could ever do.

I'm hurt because I feel like I have to choose who gets the stage. Who says there isn't room for all of us? When will we say enough is enough? When will we say no to being made to make a choice? When will we take the time to really hear each other’s' stories? Not just do it once as a way to feel good about ourselves, but truly want to listen and engage? When will be see each other for human beings who are comprised of identities, instead of a list of identities that make us human?How do we take our individual hurts and come together and heal together? How do we try to understand our hurts and process together and not apart? We are all hurting, in different ways because of our different identities, but we all hurt. We cannot lose sight of all that still needs to be done for all groups of people. How do we commit to doing this?

As I sat in the LaGuardia airport last night with tears in my eyes, I couldn't shake the hurt and pain I felt. My heart was and still is heavy. I feel hurt because on the 50th anniversary of the Selma March, not much was said or mentioned from those that are supposed to care. I still feel the pain of what that march represented and still represents for me as a black woman. I feel pain as I watch a video from University of Oklahoma Fraternity-SAE as they sing a racist chant on a bus. I deeply hurt as I realize how much work still needs to be done.

I don't just hurt for myself, but for so many others around me. I hurt for those who also feel pain but for different reasons. I hurt because I know I'll never have to feel any of their pain nor will understand what the individuals in the T*Circle are feeling. I hurt because I know that although I don't understand their pain, I know what pain feels like and how deep it goes. I want to heal together. And there are many others who feel hurt in ways I have not mentioned. Who feel deep hurt as well. 

I want to be a part of using my voice to make progress. I will not sit back and wait for those in power, or those who are popular to do something. I'm choosing to do what I can. I am starting by reaching out to 2 people who I need to better understand their stories before making judgments while in my hurt and feelings. I have done that this morning and will reflect on who else I need to connect with to seek understanding. I also commit to moving toward the pain and hurt to understand others, instead of running from it. Lastly, I will not choose. I will not choose which marginalized groups are deserving of a seat at the table. I will not choose who matters more. I will not believe that my hurt, pain, and marginalization is more valid than those around me. I will not choose.

Instead I will fight for space for us all at the table. I will use the privilege I have to make change.  I will step away from a mindset of us versus them, and see how we can make change together. What will you commit to do? We must do better.