Second Time Around

I’ve been wanting to write this poem titled “No one told me” regarding my doctoral experience. I have some thoughts on paper and some thoughts in my mind, but it hasn’t been coming together the way I hoped it would. This is discouraging because my plan is to share this poem at a professional conference I’m presenting at next month. Lately, my poetry is not where I want it to be. I have good thoughts that come to me, but they come during the most inopportune times like when I am driving or in the shower. Clearly, this makes it difficult to get my ideas on paper. This has led me to feel down regarding my writing and contemplating how much of a poet I really am.

I decided to pause and take a deep breath. As I did, I remembered the last in-class assignment one of my professors gave last semester. My classmates and I had a different reflection question, but only had 10 minutes to respond to the question. My question was something about how my time in the doctoral program has been impacted by my previous experience as a Master’s student, because I completed my Master’s degree in the same program that I am in currently. However, for my question my professor insisted that I write my reflection as a poem. Initially, I was irritated! I felt like it was unfair to expect me to write a poem, and a good one at that, in only 10 minutes. Meanwhile, my classmates only had to write a reflection and could do it how they wanted. However, anyone who knows me well knows that I’m always up for a good challenge, so I did it! In 10 minutes, I wrote a poem entitled “Second Time Around”, which is below. This poem is a reflection on how it feels to be in graduate school, in the same place, for a second time.

Remembering this experience reminded me that even when the odds are against me, I’m up against a deadline, or I don’t have anything worthwhile to say that deep down I know I am a poet. I know I can write and that is what encouraged me to pick up the pen again and get at it, because I can finish my new poem before the conference in March. I hope my story of struggle encourages and reminds you that you too have it in you to do whatever you need to do. And perhaps you only need 10 minutes.

Second Time Around

Second time around feels easier.

Not because it is, but because I know what to expect.

I know the rules to the game,

How to let go of the shame,

And let my light shine.

Second time around feels stronger.

Like I developed the muscles needed for this battle.

I now know how to fight,

How to find the light,

And keep on pushing, even when it’s hard.

Second time around feels confidence.

Flowing through my veins like the Ohio River.

I know my voice should be at the center,

How to speak and not wither,

Like the fall leaves at winter.

Second time around feels courage.

Vulnerability isn’t an option anymore, but my only choice.

I want my authenticity to shine,

As I walk the fine line,

Of the academy that was never created for me.

Second time around feels grateful.

An opportunity I never take for granted.

I will use my privilege to make positive changes,

While giving myself grace through the stages,

That this second time journey has afforded me.

Second time around.

Lessons from my niece

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to spend the entire day with my niece and it was just what my soul needed. She has developed a love of baking and I couldn’t be happier! As an avid baker myself, I’m so excited that we share this interest. We went to a cake decorating class, had lunch at Benihana, and then went to Kroger to buy baking supplies so she could make cupcakes for her class. I won’t go into details regarding’s each of those things (see pictures below), but instead want to share some life lessons I was reminded of by spending time with my niece.

·         Lesson 1: Let go of fear- As soon as we arrived at the cake decorating class, my niece was ready to jump right in! She looked over her supplies, asked me some questions, and got at it! She’s never been to a cake decorating class before, but that didn’t stop her from just doing it. She used so many different colors and decorating tips. She was so adventurous! When I decorate, I’m so fearful of making a mistake that I stop enjoying the process. I allow fear to plague me in powerful ways. This doesn’t just happen with baking either. I allow fear to take residence in my heart and mind far too often. Where in your life has fear taken over? How can you let fear go? My niece taught me that when we let go of fear, we can create beautiful things.

                                                             

                                                

·         Lesson 2: Speak your mind- Most people that know me would probably agree that I don’t have a hard time doing this! I probably speak before thinking far too often. When I was with my niece though, I was captivated by her willingness to speak her mind about everything! She talked about school, family, friends, what she good at, and the list goes on and on. She didn’t hesitate to speak about how she was really feeling. I was envious of her courage to share so authentically and she’s only 8! How many times have you wanted to speak up and share authentically but didn’t? Where do you censor yourself, when you shouldn’t? I pondered these questions after spending time with my niece. I feel so privileged that she trusts me with her whole self, what a blessing.

·         Lesson 3: Do what you love- This lesson was reaffirmed during my time with my niece. It’s so easy in life to let “being busy” allow us to forget what we love. To continue to put things off until it’s the right time. Who says we’re promised tomorrow? When I woke up on Saturday I was exhausted, I had a sore throat, and I just wanted to stay in my bed. However, I had an entire day planned with my niece. Once I picked her up, my mood completely changed. Her energy and excitement to do something she loved with her favorite auntie (I’m kidding Tosha, lol), was enough for me to change my attitude. I know that as a kid, she probably has more flexibility to do what she loves, but I believe we can all find the time. We don’t need an entire day; an hour or even 15 minutes could suffice. What do you love that you’ve abandoned? How do you get it back? My niece reminded me how much I love baking and how I need to make time for it. #NoMoreExcuses

My niece is confident, passionate, curious, intelligent, and hilarious!  I am continually amazed by the way she takes on the world. She’s a true gem. Being her auntie is a blessing that I’m so grateful for. She reminded me to let go of fear, speak my mind, and do what I love. What lessons can you learn from those around you? You never know who might be able to teach you something; are you open to receiving it?

Until next time,

Mika 

I'm back

I’m back! So, if you’ve been following me you might have noticed that I haven’t written in my blog in almost a year! I know, I can’t believe it either! Writing has been a love of mine for as long as I can remember. I remember doodling in the corners of papers, making up creative stories, and getting my love of writing poetry from my daddy, who’s an amazing poet! Writing has been a stress reliever, a place to be authentically myself, and an opportunity to breathe.

Then, that all changed. My full-time work schedule kept my days packed and made writing feel like a distant dream. Then, I started a doctoral program as a full-time student, which changed my view of writing. Writing was no longer fun for me, but instead stressful. I found myself on the outskirts. Academic writing was not where my heart was. I felt my poetic voice was not valued. I wrestled with either playing the game to survive or resisting the urge to conform in order to save my soul. It was exhausting. It was hard. It was eye opening.

I had a lot of time over Christmas break to reflect and consider what I wanted and needed to thrive this year. What was missing? Where was the gap? After lots of time in my head and feelings, I realized writing was something that kept coming up. I just couldn’t shake it. I have a note on my phone with dozens of poems I’ve never finished, blog post ideas that didn’t feel good enough to post, and just thoughts. As I read those lists, I decided I would not let expectations of the type of writer I should be influence my love of writing.

Having the ability to pursue a Ph.D. is a blessing that I am daily grateful for. I will continue academic writing in those spaces as a way to survive and ultimately finish the journey I began. However, I will also write how I want to write, using my voice, in my own way. I will use my blog to share my voice and perspective authentically and this excites me!

I want to be clear about what my blog will be:

·         I will write when I feel like it! I can’t promise you a specific frequency, but instead I want to be inspired to share when I have something to say. It might be weekly, monthly or you may hear from me every other day if I’m feeling inspired! I want to write because I love writing.

·         I will share some of my poetry. It’s been hard for me to admit it, but I am a poet and poetry is my favorite way to write. I look forward to sharing my love of writing with you in this way.

·         I will write informally! This is not an academic blog, but a space for me to resist the urge to believe only one type of writing should be privileged. That means I’ll be using contractions a lot, speaking in first or third person, and sometimes writing in fragments. If this bothers you, my blog is not for you!

·         I will share about a variety of topics (family, politics, school, baking, friendship, funny, sad, serious and the list goes on and on). I am more than a student. I am more than a wife. I am more than a Christian. I am more than happy. I am more than scared. I want you to see all of me.

·         I will have fun. I will enjoy the freedom of writing how I want, when I want, about what I want.

So, will you journey with me? Will you join me as I share my life as authentically as I can, in the way I want? Will you find ways to do the same? I hope you’ll take a chance on me, be inspired to take agency over your life, and remember the things you love. What do you need to bring back into your life? What energizes you? Make a commitment to find a way to make it a part of your life again.

Until I’m inspired to write again,

Mika J