Radio Silence

In 2014, I got married. It was perfect. I took 2 weeks off from work. When I returned to the office, everyone stopped by to see me.

To ask about how the wedding and honeymoon were.

To see pictures.

To hear stories about my amazing husband Emmanuel.

To get insight on all the details of the wedding day.

To celebrate with me.

I felt cared about. I felt supported. I felt like this big life event mattered to my colleagues and those around me.

Fast forward to January 2017. My daddy passed away after a 9-month battle with colon cancer. I took a week off work and classes. When I returned to campus, I did not receive the same welcome as I had 3 years prior when returning from my wedding & honeymoon. Instead of being warmly greeted, people avoided me like the plague. I got looks of pity or all out avoidance. This hurt. 5 months later I still feel the sting.

I felt ignored.

I felt sad.

I felt lonely.

Of course, there were some people who acknowledged his passing.

Of course, there were some people who called, texted, and sent flowers and cards.

Of course, I know most people around me cared.

But for some reason, they couldn’t figure out how to express their care in a tangible way to me.

And even though I felt hurt by the radio silence I experienced as I grieved, I can empathize because I’ve done the same thing before. Two of my best friends have each lost one of their parents. I did not express my care for them during those difficult times because I was afraid.

I was afraid to say the wrong thing.

I was afraid that bringing it up would make them sad.

I was afraid I’d make things worse.

The last 5 months have taught me that saying something is better than saying nothing. The reality is you never forget losing someone. It’s not like when someone brings up my daddy I’m like “OMG, he died?! I’d forgotten”. My daddy is on my mind all the time. When people bring him up it keeps his memory alive, gives me the space to talk about him, and makes me feel like losing him is acknowledged by those around me.

I’ve decided to say something to those who are grieving or experienced loss, even when it’s hard. Yesterday I stopped by one of my colleague’s office who recently lost her husband. I’d sent a card a week prior but felt it was important to visit her in person to express my care and just check in.

But, I was nervous!

I wanted to relate to her grief without making it about me.

I didn’t want to make her more upset.

I was scared I’d say the wrong thing.

Even though I had these doubts I still went to see her. We ended up having a good conversation.  She cried, I listened, and just let her know she’s thought of and cared for during this difficult time.

I write this for myself and for those who currently or will have people around them experience grief and loss. When people come back to work, or classes, or home, don’t ignore them. Don’t talk about the weather or some other non-important thing without first acknowledging their loss. Don’t avoid them. Instead ask them “how are you doing today?”, tell them “I’m so sorry for your loss”, give them a hug (I LOVE hugs), tell them “I see you and am happy you’re back." Just say anything. Because saying something is better than radio silence.