The Firsts

I knew the firsts would be hard.

That my heart would be heavy.

That my tears would be many.

That my body would ache.

I knew it would be hard.

My daddy dying of cancer after a 9-month battle continues to be the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I keep thinking it will get better, but I’m not sure better should be my goal. What does better even look like? Is better missing my daddy less? Or my love for him decreasing? If that is better, I don’t want better. Instead I’m trying to focus on managing. Managing my grief with my life and responsibilities, which is more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

Father’s Day was June 18^th and my daddy’s birthday was June 21^st. I knew that week would be difficult and filled with many emotions. I remember a year ago spending Father’s Day with my daddy. I remember the big birthday party my siblings and I threw for him. I remember how happy he was.

This year was different.

I spent Father’s Day at the cemetery.

I spent Father’s Day with tear filled eyes.

I spent Father’s Day wondering why God chose not to heal my daddy on earth.
I spent Father’s Day mourning.

And I decided that was okay and what I needed. 

I needed to sit in my grief.

To take care of my feelings and emotions.

To resist performing for those around me.

To allow myself to cry and be sad.

To not hold my feelings in.

I spend too much time ignoring my feelings for the sake of others. But I didn’t do that on Father’s Day. And Father’s Day was as hard and awful as I imagined. I have no silver lining or pretty bow to tie on that day. Father’s Day without my daddy sucked!

Thank goodness, God’s mercies are new every morning! My daddy’s birthday was filled with more happy emotions than sad ones. I still spent time crying and being sad. But mostly I smiled as I reminisced about memories of my daddy! My daddy loved golf and we played 9 holes in honor of him. I’m awful at golf, but felt connected to my daddy while playing. We ended his birthday with a celebration at one of his favorite restaurants surrounded by family and friends. I was moved by how many people came out to support us and honor my daddy. It reminded me of how many people my daddy touched & how I hope to live a life where people are positively impacted by me.

I got through the firsts.

I did it.

It was hard.

There were a lot of tears.

My heart ached.

But I also laughed.

And golfed 9 holes for the first time.

I spent time with family and experienced love and support from many people.

As I experience more firsts this year, I’ll use this post as a reminder that even with the heartache and pain, I know I will come through on the other side.