I want to write

I want to write.

There is so much I want to say that I do not even know where to begin.

I’m in my head about the quality, or lack thereof, of my writing based on academic standards.

But I want to write.

I have so much to say.

The thoughts swirling in my head are powerful. Profound beyond belief.

But will they be perceived that way on paper?

I want to write.

But when do I have time?

The free space I have is so small.

How do I carve out more time?

Because I want to write.

Share stories of struggle and pain that plague my heart.

But is it too much?

Can I hold joy and pain at the same time?

I want to write.

Using my poetic voice.

Finally claiming myself as a poet.

But I’ve never been formally trained as one, does that matter?

I want to write.

Because it’s healing.

Because it gives me a voice.

Because I have something to say.

I want to write.

My Whole30 Journey

You know when you need to make a change, but just can’t do it?

Or you’ve tried to make that change, but gave up after a week or so?

That was me at the end of this summer.

I was at my heaviest weight, stressed out, and defeated. I knew I had to make some major changes in my life if I wanted to take care of the body God has entrusted to me. However, I didn’t know where to turn.

I knew that if anything was going to work I had to do it for myself. Not for the number on the scale, not because my doctor suggested it, not because it was the trendy thing to do, but because I wanted deserved to prioritize my body and take care of myself.

I’ve tried many things before.

I’ve tried Beachbody, but gave up after a few weeks.

I’ve had a gym membership, but didn’t go for months and finally cancelled the membership.

I’ve signed up for a half-marathon, but didn’t end up running in it because I was “hurt” [Read: I didn’t train]

I’ve said I was going to “eat better”, but could never sustain doing so.

I’m not saying the things above are bad. They’re actually great strategies, just ones that didn’t work for me. When I reflect on why those strategies didn’t work for me, it comes down to my lack of motivation and lack of self-worth. Deep down I did not believe I was worth it. I did not believe I was worth the time, energy, and sacrifice truly caring for yourself takes. With all the demands on my life, along with the unnecessary pressure I put on myself, I didn’t believe it could actually happen.

I remember sometime in August being gently reminded by God of Psalm 139. In it, David writes, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” I’ve read this particular verse many times in the past, but this time it hit my heart in a special way. I was reminded that God also fearfully and wonderfully made me and even if I didn’t believe I was worth taking care of this body, surely God was worth the sacrifice!

At that point, I made up my mind that I would complete this. I would prioritize me. I reached out to a dear friend, Liz Gordon-Canlas, for support and said I needed help and want to complete Whole30. Liz helped and encouraged me, along with the many friends, colleagues and family (especially my supportive husband)! Although this was my journey, I’m so grateful for the people who came along for the ride, who checked in on me, encouraged me, and helped me stay accountable. I believe God created us to do life with others and I’m grateful for the many people who came along for the ride with me.

Completing Whole30 changed my life.

I know that might sound cheesy or dramatic, but it’s the truth.

Whole30 has revealed to me my lack of self-discipline.

I’ve always said I had a lot of self-discipline.

A lot of us tell ourselves that.

But are we being honest?

If I have so much self-discipline, why is it so easy to cancel plans when they no longer seem exciting?

If I have so much self-discipline, why is it so easy to quit working out when it gets hard or boring?

If I have so much self-discipline, why does waking up to read my Bible happen far less often than I’d like to admit?

I learned that the food I put in my body has an impact on me.

I learned that using food to numb me, comfort me, and entertain me is not good.

I learned that eating well is possible.

I learned that I matter.

Completing Whole30 was much more than an exercise in eating well.

It was much more than the weight and inches I lost.

Whole30 taught me about self-control, self-discipline, and self-care.

Whole30 allowed me to reflect on the other areas in my life that I need to practice more self-care and self-motivation.

Whole30 provided a space for me to truly be selfish practice self-care.

I’m committing to care for the beautiful, strong, and holy body that God has entrusted to me. Because as the brilliant  scholar, Audre Lorde so eloquently said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

P.S. I compiled some notes that might be helpful for those who are interested in completing a round of Whole30.

Rejoice

I’ve been a Christian since I was 5 years old.

The Bible is as familiar to me as the skin on my body and hair on my head.

And yet, it reveals itself to me in new ways when I least expect it.

I’ve read and heard Romans 5: 3-5 countless times. Although I’ve read it many times, I never let it sink in until now. Verse 3 hit me like a ton of bricks this week. “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance” (English Standard Version).

Rejoice in our sufferings! What was Paul thinking when he wrote this! That’s how I felt in that moment.

However, God gently…or not so gently, reminded me that Paul, the author of this text, suffered much in his life as well, and yet he rejoiced. And of course we know Jesus suffered greatly on Earth and then died for me (and you).

So what should my response be in the midst of pain, suffering, and hardship?

To rejoice! We know what rejoicing through suffering does as verses 4 & 5 reminds us, “and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Rejoicing in our suffering produces endurance, character, and hope.

And yet, sometimes it feels SO hard to rejoice.

To choose to rejoice even when I don’t feel like rejoicing.

To choose to let this season of my life build in me character and hope.

To choose joy.

To rejoice.

But I will try.

I will try to hold both suffering and rejoicing.

To know that they do not have to be mutually exclusive.

To know this season will not last forever.

To know that God is with me.

To know that even when life is hard there is so much joy around me.

To open my eyes and see the joy.

Because as Paul reminds us,  “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

P.S. God has also used these songs to breathe joy into my heart.

·         Total Praise

·         Thy Will

·         It is Well

·         Rise up

"Let me know what you need"

"Let me know what you need"

It sounds helpful.

It sounds like what you should say.

It sounds like giving love and support.

But it's not. 

I've actually found it to be a well intended, yet unhelpful phrase.

It's unhelpful because it puts the onus on the person in need. It makes the person in need have to do more, which doesn't feel helpful at all. 

And although I know it's not helpful, I've done it a million times! Even this week I said "let me know what you need" to a friend and then caught myself. I said it because I wanted to show support and love. However, I was burdening my friend to come up with an idea that's suppose to help her. Nonsense right?! I know! It's so easy to fall into that trap and say "let me know what you need" to someone. It becomes a habit.  

However, I want to encourage us to do something different. Instead of saying "let me know what you need". Just offer something; ANYTHING! Offering something rather than making me ask is such a blessing; a gift I do not take for granted. 

My daddy has stage 4 colon cancer and I'm his primary caregiver. It's a blessing to care and love for my daddy in this way. And yet it's hard. It's hard to see someone you love for deeply, in pain and sick. It's hard to balance my new responsibilities as his caregiver with my already busy life. It's hard to ask for help...because I'm stubborn (I'm confident I get my stubbornness from my daddy!). Over the past 4 months a lot of people have said "let me know what you need" and most times I haven't. Not because I don't need anything, I do. I need a lot of things. I haven't let them know because some days I only have enough mental capacity to do the necessities. It becomes burdensome to have to think of ways people can support and love me.

Yet, the times people have just done something have been etched in my heart and soul forever. The friends who called and said they were bringing dinner this week, pick a day that works best was such a relief. The friend who texts every other week when my dad has chemotherapy makes me feel thought of. The friends and family who send texts and cards to say they're thinking of me warms my heart. The family members who drives my dad to appointments when I can't get out of work helps me carry the load. The friend who took me to get a pedicure, the friends who treated me to a massage, and the friends who sent edible arrangements, what gracious gifts! The friends who sat with me and let me cry because cancer sucks! And the other small and large ways my friends and family have just done something have meant the world to me. 

The last 4 months have taught me that it doesn't take a lot to show you care. It doesn't take a lot of time, effort or money. It takes a willingness to just do it. To not just talk about it, but be about it. The most thoughtful things people have done for me only cost them some time and thought. And they are things I will always remember. 

Instead of saying "let me know what you need", just do something. I'm committing to do this. I hope you'll consider doing the same. 

For those looking for practical ways to help support friends and family in need, below are ideas I've thought of or got from friends going through hard times. I hope this lists provides a starting place for you to proactively help those in need around you. 

• Ask how they're REALLY doing and listen!
• Send a card in the mail
• Offer to take them to run errands
• Visit them
• Text, email or phone calls with NO expectation they call or respond back 
• Pick them up and take them out for a walk, coffee, meal, etc. 
• Give lots of hugs (only if they like them!) 
• Cook or buy dinner and drop it off
• Buy a gift card for meals or coffee 

Good Friends

“Two people are better than one. They can help each other in everything they do.”- Ecclesiastes 4:9

I serve in Children’s Ministry at my church. As I was prepping for this week’s lesson, the topic of friendship struck me. I teach 2.5-4 year old kids and never imagined their lesson would speak to my heart! The lesson was based on the friendship of David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18:1-4). What a beautiful picture of real friendship. The bottom line of the lesson that we wanted the children to walk away with was “God gives us good friends!” What I didn’t expect was that God would use the children’s message to remind me of how God has blessed me with good friends.

I consider myself a good friend. I give wholeheartedly to my friendships. Because of this, I have high expectations of my friends. These expectations are sadly, but realistically not always met. However, I am grateful for those special friends who don’t just meet my expectations in our friendship, but go above and beyond. I don’t know what to say except thank you.

Thank you to the friends who actually answer the phone when I call, and respond to my text messages the same day.

Thank you to the friends who show up, and not just when it’s convenient but show up all the time.

Thank you to the friends that give, even in times when their lives are in shambles and they don’t have anything extra to give, yet they find a way to give out of the love they have for me.

Thank you to the friends who give repeatedly and expect nothing in return.

Thank you to the friends who walk with me, cry with me, sit with me, be with me, and love me.

Thank you to the friends that love and support me in the ways I need without me ever asking.

God gives us good friends because he is a good good father and loves us. I commit to expressing my love and gratitude to the people God has blessed me to call friends. 

My Hope

I first heard Hope’s Anthem in September 2014. It was during the time my church, Bethel Cincinnati, was still meeting at the Corryville Recreation Center gym. I remember sitting on the right side of the gym that particular Sunday. I’d never heard Hope’s Anthem before; however, as I heard the music and read the lyrics, my heart was comforted in such powerful ways. I felt like God was speaking directly to me through that song. It was as if God knew exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. September 2014 was a hard time for me. I remember feeling as if I was in a valley and that God had forgotten about me. Hearing that song on that particular Sunday reminded me that God had not forgotten about me and was there right beside me.

Fast forward to Sunday April 10, 2016. My church sang Hope’s Anthem again. I’d heard the song on many Sundays in the past, but this week was different. The song touched my heart in the same powerful way it did almost 2 years prior. I felt God’s spirit so clearly and became overwhelmed as we were singing the song. I remember thinking, “wow this song really touched me today”, but I couldn’t put my finger on why that was the case. I now know that song was preparing me for the reminder I needed.

The reminder that my hope is in Jesus. Not in my circumstances. Not in my job. Not in school. Not in my relationships. Not in people. My hope is in Jesus.

Because my hope is in Jesus, I can push through the storms that come my way. Because my hope is in Jesus, I can smile in the midst of my heart aching. Because my hope is in Jesus, I can walk through life knowing and believing that, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28.

Although there are moments that I am emotionally exhausted, overcome with sadness, and enraged in anger, I am confident where my hope is. I know that I serve the most powerful God who loves and cares for me deeply. Because I know this“... I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” 2 Corinthians 12:10”

Hope’s Anthem

He’s awakening the hope in me
By calling forth my destiny
He’s breathing life into my soul
I will thirst for Him, and Him alone

He has come like the rain
That showers on the barren plain
So my heart and tongue confess
Jesus Christ, the hope of man

My hope is in You, God
I am steadfast, I will not be moved
I’m anchored, never shaken
All my hope is in You

He’s bringing hope to the hopeless
And giving His heart to the broken
And sharing His home with the orphan
He is the joy, He is my joy

He is the hope of the nations
The Father’s heart we’re embracing
He is the song we’re declaring
He is the joy, He is my joy

Why so downcast oh, oh my soul
Put your hope in God alone

I'm Tired

I've been trying to find a way to describe how I felt about the #Blksapblackout that occurred on Friday March 25, 2016. This was a movement of Black Student Affairs Professionals that took over the Student Affairs Professionals Facebook page with the sharing of articles, videos, and personal stories addressing the experiences of Black people in higher education." (Ramiz, 2016). One of my Black colleagues, Bulaong Ramiz, writes a great blog post about the #Blackout for those unfamiliar. 

Since poetry is the heartbeat of my soul, I decided to write a poem entitled "I'm Tired" that is a reflection of my feelings regarding the #Blksapblackout and how it feels being a Black student affairs professional.

I’m Tired

I’m tired of having to explain myself,

Anytime anything happens to me.

I’m so tired of having to make a case,

Because my truth they don’t want to see.

I’m tired of exerting energy,

With no reprieve in sight.

I’m so tired I have no words to express this,

Why do I always have to fight the good fight?

I’m tired of being twice as good,

When they can get away with being bad.

I’m so tired of playing by the rules,

That weren’t created for me to pass.

I’m tired of being at the margins,

Which forces me to exert my voice loud.

I’m so tired of convincing folks why my story matters,

Trying to convince them why I’m so proud.

I’m tired of having to check my emotions,

Because it won’t help “bring the conversation in”.

I’m so tired of being told my anger should be managed,

That I should hold my true feelings in.

I’m tired of people’s feelings being held above mine,

Which scars like a whip and chain.

I’m so tired of being treated like someone’s slave,

With the master controlling the game.

I’m tired of being told her shame should concern me,

When she’s the one who called me a “whining petulant child”.

I’m so tired of my hurt being marginalized,

Ignored, neglected and forced to hide.

I’m so tired of empty apologies.

I’m so tired of the blank stares.

I’m so tired of having to suffer for your learning sake.

I’m so tired, this shit ain’t fair!

Second Time Around

I’ve been wanting to write this poem titled “No one told me” regarding my doctoral experience. I have some thoughts on paper and some thoughts in my mind, but it hasn’t been coming together the way I hoped it would. This is discouraging because my plan is to share this poem at a professional conference I’m presenting at next month. Lately, my poetry is not where I want it to be. I have good thoughts that come to me, but they come during the most inopportune times like when I am driving or in the shower. Clearly, this makes it difficult to get my ideas on paper. This has led me to feel down regarding my writing and contemplating how much of a poet I really am.

I decided to pause and take a deep breath. As I did, I remembered the last in-class assignment one of my professors gave last semester. My classmates and I had a different reflection question, but only had 10 minutes to respond to the question. My question was something about how my time in the doctoral program has been impacted by my previous experience as a Master’s student, because I completed my Master’s degree in the same program that I am in currently. However, for my question my professor insisted that I write my reflection as a poem. Initially, I was irritated! I felt like it was unfair to expect me to write a poem, and a good one at that, in only 10 minutes. Meanwhile, my classmates only had to write a reflection and could do it how they wanted. However, anyone who knows me well knows that I’m always up for a good challenge, so I did it! In 10 minutes, I wrote a poem entitled “Second Time Around”, which is below. This poem is a reflection on how it feels to be in graduate school, in the same place, for a second time.

Remembering this experience reminded me that even when the odds are against me, I’m up against a deadline, or I don’t have anything worthwhile to say that deep down I know I am a poet. I know I can write and that is what encouraged me to pick up the pen again and get at it, because I can finish my new poem before the conference in March. I hope my story of struggle encourages and reminds you that you too have it in you to do whatever you need to do. And perhaps you only need 10 minutes.

Second Time Around

Second time around feels easier.

Not because it is, but because I know what to expect.

I know the rules to the game,

How to let go of the shame,

And let my light shine.

Second time around feels stronger.

Like I developed the muscles needed for this battle.

I now know how to fight,

How to find the light,

And keep on pushing, even when it’s hard.

Second time around feels confidence.

Flowing through my veins like the Ohio River.

I know my voice should be at the center,

How to speak and not wither,

Like the fall leaves at winter.

Second time around feels courage.

Vulnerability isn’t an option anymore, but my only choice.

I want my authenticity to shine,

As I walk the fine line,

Of the academy that was never created for me.

Second time around feels grateful.

An opportunity I never take for granted.

I will use my privilege to make positive changes,

While giving myself grace through the stages,

That this second time journey has afforded me.

Second time around.

Lessons from my niece

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to spend the entire day with my niece and it was just what my soul needed. She has developed a love of baking and I couldn’t be happier! As an avid baker myself, I’m so excited that we share this interest. We went to a cake decorating class, had lunch at Benihana, and then went to Kroger to buy baking supplies so she could make cupcakes for her class. I won’t go into details regarding’s each of those things (see pictures below), but instead want to share some life lessons I was reminded of by spending time with my niece.

·         Lesson 1: Let go of fear- As soon as we arrived at the cake decorating class, my niece was ready to jump right in! She looked over her supplies, asked me some questions, and got at it! She’s never been to a cake decorating class before, but that didn’t stop her from just doing it. She used so many different colors and decorating tips. She was so adventurous! When I decorate, I’m so fearful of making a mistake that I stop enjoying the process. I allow fear to plague me in powerful ways. This doesn’t just happen with baking either. I allow fear to take residence in my heart and mind far too often. Where in your life has fear taken over? How can you let fear go? My niece taught me that when we let go of fear, we can create beautiful things.

                                                             

                                                

·         Lesson 2: Speak your mind- Most people that know me would probably agree that I don’t have a hard time doing this! I probably speak before thinking far too often. When I was with my niece though, I was captivated by her willingness to speak her mind about everything! She talked about school, family, friends, what she good at, and the list goes on and on. She didn’t hesitate to speak about how she was really feeling. I was envious of her courage to share so authentically and she’s only 8! How many times have you wanted to speak up and share authentically but didn’t? Where do you censor yourself, when you shouldn’t? I pondered these questions after spending time with my niece. I feel so privileged that she trusts me with her whole self, what a blessing.

·         Lesson 3: Do what you love- This lesson was reaffirmed during my time with my niece. It’s so easy in life to let “being busy” allow us to forget what we love. To continue to put things off until it’s the right time. Who says we’re promised tomorrow? When I woke up on Saturday I was exhausted, I had a sore throat, and I just wanted to stay in my bed. However, I had an entire day planned with my niece. Once I picked her up, my mood completely changed. Her energy and excitement to do something she loved with her favorite auntie (I’m kidding Tosha, lol), was enough for me to change my attitude. I know that as a kid, she probably has more flexibility to do what she loves, but I believe we can all find the time. We don’t need an entire day; an hour or even 15 minutes could suffice. What do you love that you’ve abandoned? How do you get it back? My niece reminded me how much I love baking and how I need to make time for it. #NoMoreExcuses

My niece is confident, passionate, curious, intelligent, and hilarious!  I am continually amazed by the way she takes on the world. She’s a true gem. Being her auntie is a blessing that I’m so grateful for. She reminded me to let go of fear, speak my mind, and do what I love. What lessons can you learn from those around you? You never know who might be able to teach you something; are you open to receiving it?

Until next time,

Mika 

I'm back

I’m back! So, if you’ve been following me you might have noticed that I haven’t written in my blog in almost a year! I know, I can’t believe it either! Writing has been a love of mine for as long as I can remember. I remember doodling in the corners of papers, making up creative stories, and getting my love of writing poetry from my daddy, who’s an amazing poet! Writing has been a stress reliever, a place to be authentically myself, and an opportunity to breathe.

Then, that all changed. My full-time work schedule kept my days packed and made writing feel like a distant dream. Then, I started a doctoral program as a full-time student, which changed my view of writing. Writing was no longer fun for me, but instead stressful. I found myself on the outskirts. Academic writing was not where my heart was. I felt my poetic voice was not valued. I wrestled with either playing the game to survive or resisting the urge to conform in order to save my soul. It was exhausting. It was hard. It was eye opening.

I had a lot of time over Christmas break to reflect and consider what I wanted and needed to thrive this year. What was missing? Where was the gap? After lots of time in my head and feelings, I realized writing was something that kept coming up. I just couldn’t shake it. I have a note on my phone with dozens of poems I’ve never finished, blog post ideas that didn’t feel good enough to post, and just thoughts. As I read those lists, I decided I would not let expectations of the type of writer I should be influence my love of writing.

Having the ability to pursue a Ph.D. is a blessing that I am daily grateful for. I will continue academic writing in those spaces as a way to survive and ultimately finish the journey I began. However, I will also write how I want to write, using my voice, in my own way. I will use my blog to share my voice and perspective authentically and this excites me!

I want to be clear about what my blog will be:

·         I will write when I feel like it! I can’t promise you a specific frequency, but instead I want to be inspired to share when I have something to say. It might be weekly, monthly or you may hear from me every other day if I’m feeling inspired! I want to write because I love writing.

·         I will share some of my poetry. It’s been hard for me to admit it, but I am a poet and poetry is my favorite way to write. I look forward to sharing my love of writing with you in this way.

·         I will write informally! This is not an academic blog, but a space for me to resist the urge to believe only one type of writing should be privileged. That means I’ll be using contractions a lot, speaking in first or third person, and sometimes writing in fragments. If this bothers you, my blog is not for you!

·         I will share about a variety of topics (family, politics, school, baking, friendship, funny, sad, serious and the list goes on and on). I am more than a student. I am more than a wife. I am more than a Christian. I am more than happy. I am more than scared. I want you to see all of me.

·         I will have fun. I will enjoy the freedom of writing how I want, when I want, about what I want.

So, will you journey with me? Will you join me as I share my life as authentically as I can, in the way I want? Will you find ways to do the same? I hope you’ll take a chance on me, be inspired to take agency over your life, and remember the things you love. What do you need to bring back into your life? What energizes you? Make a commitment to find a way to make it a part of your life again.

Until I’m inspired to write again,

Mika J